The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You just made me feel so damn special
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
