My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
