your parents love me but you hate me
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
not ubering you a puppy
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
