mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize