I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
