by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
In America we eat man semen.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
