I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize