im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
