guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
