I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
