I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
