a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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