ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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