if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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