just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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