my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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