this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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