I bet he comes in French.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize