Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
