i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
