Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
