i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
