Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
smell my finger.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
