I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
