I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
