so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
