i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
