and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
