How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize