There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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