i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
