So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
