I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize