I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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