just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
BRING THE BAGELS
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
