He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
