today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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