I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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