dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
