she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
