Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
