I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My penis needs a shock collar
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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