why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
