$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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