I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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