standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
