Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
