He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
