It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
