your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
