If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
