I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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