i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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