help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
