I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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