I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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