Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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