Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
